The 15 Types Of Cyclists We All Hate

 

Everyone hates cyclists. Even Cyclists hate cyclists.

Of course this is a problem on a website about, and for bikes. There’s a real possibility the list could end up with nothing more than why cyclists rule the world, and people in cars are all morons. But nothing could be further than the truth.

Because when you think about it, there’s assholes in every walk of life, whether it be cyclist or circus clown.Now if I were a circus clown I’m sure there would be an entire category about stereotypical clowns who only smile when the face paint is on.

As cyclists ourselves however we all know too well the personality rage transplants that seem to happen to people when they get behind the wheel of a car. But it’s not just motorists who can change. It happens to cyclists too.

Don’t think that’s true?

See if you’ve changed your mind by the time you get to the end of this list; and see if you recognize someone you know. Was anyone on the list, you?

Let’s get started with the one who annoys everyone…

Cycling without lights on

The cyclist riding without bike lights, at night

Why do we hate them? For me it’s because the cyclist riding without bike lights, at night seems like they want to die. They literally have a death wish.Anyone who chooses to ride out on their bike at night without adequate lighting is looking to die. And you know, it’s not just the bike rider that will get knocked over.

Take a minute and think about the poor motorist who just knocked them over. Is it fair on them?
I don’t know, maybe I’m just being like crazy reactionary about it, but we cyclists are vulnerable enough as it is. It’s not like you’re a freeriding stealth ninja. Get a set of lights!!!

And if you have to ride at night, get yourself some high Vis clothes as well. Sure you won’t look cool, but at least you might get home alive.

Cyclist with GoPro helmet

The Go Pro rider giving you sh*t because you cycled through his shot.

Sorry.
No really.
I’m really sorry.

Did my just having to be going down a public trail at speed get in the way of your latest ‘Crazy Fast Wipeout Video: Crazy!!!!’ YouTube movie. Aw shucks.

Maybe next time, don’t choose to try and make a video of your ride on a public trail on a Sunday morning. You know, when it’s like really busy…

Just saying….

Road bikers turning

Cyclists who think Charity Rides Are Races

Oh these people annoy the Hell out of me, make no mistake. I took my nephew to one last year. It was his first big collective ride with others.

There we were on the start line, local press taking photo after photo of the cute kid on the Spiderman BMX, asking the scruffy looking bloke on the beat up mountain bike beside him to get out of the shot. That was me by the way. They were asking me to get out of the shot.

When all of a sudden, up come the local ‘pro’ bike riding club jockeying for position at the front of the race.

Did I say race? I meant charity ride.

These guys all had matching jerseys, kits and almost all of them had identical bikes. They looked like extras from a badly shot science fiction movie. Not only did one of them nearly knock Spider Man off his bike as he set himself up for his race, but then they openly started mocking my 10 year old Kona, and said:

‘Dude, you’ll never win a race on that thing.’

No shit Sherlock. I hate assholes who turn everything into a competition.

Track bikes

Stalkers

You know the type I mean.I’m totally cool with drafting other riders if you know them, or you’re on some club ride or something. It’s the done thing. It’s kind of expected. These days whenever I head out on the road bike with my buddies, I literally spend all my time drafting.

It’s the only way I can keep up with them. I tend to take the lead on the downhills because of the extra weight I’m carrying. But that’s cool. Because we all know the score.But you know when it’s not expected? When I’m out there on my own on a Sunday afternoon, and all of a sudden I have a stalker sitting right on my back wheel.

A free lift home is totally fine. But random strangers? Give me a break. At least say hi, or something. If you are this rider. It’s really not cool. Stop it.

Mountain bikers carrying their bikes

The Crap video uploader

The one who post aimless, pointless videos on YouTube with misleading titles, like “MAD CRAZY WIPEOUT on a Mountain Bike” when all that happens is someone falls over, 6 minutes into the video…..

Man biking in the winter

The guy who ‘used to be really fit/good/an expert’ (me)

Oh don’t worry. I’m in this list too. Yep that’s right. I’m the guy on the mountain bike trail who says at the end of the ride:

‘That was a good ride. Of course ten years ago, I would have nailed that jump/beaten that guy/not fallen off/ wouldn’t have injured myself/ made it to the top first….’

I know, I know. You don’t have to say it. I’m an asshole too.The tragedy? I was never that good, even at my best. Well actually, ten years ago I was. Agggggggghh. Apart from anything else, no one can compete or compare their performance with another rider based on ghosts. So what if ten years ago I rode X number of miles at an average speed of Y. That doesn’t help me or you, today.
Again, if this is you, please, just stop.

Happy bike mechanic

The cyclist who thinks their bike is their baby

It’s a bike. It’s not a baby. I have two of each. There’s a Hell of a difference. What I mean here, of course is the guy who’s entire day is ruined if his pristine bike frame gets a scratch and who when they clean their bike, has a set of individual brushes for each part.

Just so you know, the pro mountain bike teams take pressure washers to their bikes after races. Get a life.

Bike covered with snow

Cyclists who don’t look after their bikes.

This is just as annoying as the ones above. It’s not like there’s loads to do… Watch for rust, occasionally lube the chain, check the brakes, and give it the occasional clean. Do you have any idea how little effort is involved in keeping a bike clean? Just do it.

Cyclist stopping at a red light

The cyclist who was behind by you but stopped in front of you at the traffic lights

I looked it up. It’s referred to as ‘shoaling,’ apparently. That’s right, it has its own name. Go figure.

Here’s how it works:

You’re riding your bike on the way to work. There’s another guy on a bike behind you. You stop at the traffic light because it’s red. The guy behind you rolls on up, and stops in front of you. Not alongside, not half a wheel didn’t pull the brakes hard enough, but a full two wheels in front.

I’m sorry, but there is no planet where this kind of sh*t is acceptable behavior. It’s bad enough when it’s not all that busy, but in rush hour when space is at a premium, this can become a pretty serious issue pretty fast.
Seriously, if you are this person, you’re acting like a d*ck. Just stop it.

Happy cyclist

The Rider who always has to go one better

Yep, there’s one in every club, in every bike shop, and on every trail.This typically is the person who after the end of a long day on the road, or the mountain who will only ask you how your day went, so he can tell you all about his, and how much further he went than you.

It doesn’t matter to this guy that you might have just beaten your previous best by a minute and a half, or went down a black run without falling for the first time ever. It really doesn’t, because this person will just have beaten his best by two minutes while simultaneously have just done some black run down the side of Mount Everest.

Whatever.

Ignore them.

Woman on a road bike

Being passed by a girl

Ladies, this one is for you. You’re out there on the mountain or the road just spinning away enjoying your ride when the unthinkable happens…You cycle past a male member of the human species.Who knows what you do, but more than likely you just say hi, and move on with your life.

But the male, the male can’t handle it! And less than thirty seconds later up he comes, spinning like he’s in the final sprint of the Tour de France trying to keep up with you. After a while they sprint past, because after all, they’re a man, and men, are faster than ‘girls.’ I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the ego.

But I have been guilty of it myself over the years. Although in my case, whenever I saw someone of the opposite sex on a mountain bike on an actual mountain, I was usually trying to catch up to them to ask for their phone number.
Hey, we were all eighteen once.
Right?

Lots of traffic lights

Cyclists who go through red lights

There you are, stopped and patiently awaiting the traffic light to turn green so you can move ahead with your commute to work or whatever. But then two or three other guys just zip past you and take their chances with the steel coated monsters also just trying to move ahead with their own commute.

The horns start blasting, voices and middle fingers are raised, and one day you’re just sure you’re going to see someone getting wiped out on a permanent basis.Just stop at the red lights.

Quiet ride in the nature

Being passed by cyclists with baskets on the front of their bike.

For this also read, folding bikes.There is nothing worse. This happened to me earlier this year. It was January, and I was still carrying a little holiday weight from Christmas a few years back.

Anyway I was out there burning up the miles, looking like a dayglow condom in cycling gear, when out of nowhere, this old farmer guy comes out on a bike from 1967 right in front of me, and then for the next mile and a half, not only could I not catch up with him, he actively managed to increase the distance.

This was also the day I quit riding my bike in favor of running, for quite a long time.
All credit to the guy though. He must have been one fit son of a b*tch. Either that, or my best days really are behind me.

Cyclists taking a selfie

People wearing Go Spin 360’s

This sh*t has to be seen to be believed. Seriously, go check it out here. Don’t get me wrong, I think the 360 is a great idea, but please note just how much of an idiot you look wearing one. Plus, and this is a minor point, people using the GoSpin look like people with a selfie sticks attached to their helmet, and that’s not a good look for anyone.

Not only that, it comes with some pretty serious health warnings, and I can see why.The damn thing is just a broken neck waiting to happen. That or at least the end of your GoPro. If nothing else, if I ever find the guy who clotheslined me with one back in June, I’m going to have some serious words with him.

Man on a tribike

The Uber Fit Cyclist

These are the rid¬ers that have no body fat, shave their legs, and look like sponsored professional riders with all their branded matching clothes. But they’re not. They never are.But they are incredibly focused. These are the guys who go out there and spend $6-800 on hand made wheels so they can beat their best on Strava by another 10 seconds.

What’s really annoying about them though is the fact that most of them only took up cycling at some point in the last 3 years. Coming this late to the sport also makes them super focused, and super-fast. Even on a Sunday ride they always look they’re training for a triathlon.

What’s even more annoying about them is the fact they only got started because you let them borrow your bike a while back. This was when you were handing out advice to them, and now there’s nothing they don’t know.The bastard truth is that it’s true.

This type of rider also tends to gather in packs, and will look good doing it.

Carefree businessman on a bike

Chronically Unprepared

This is the rider who never has everything they need for the ride. And they never learn. It’s funny the first time they ask to borrow your multitool and your spare tube. But this is also the same person who hasn’t bothered to check their tires before heading out, only to discover they’re both soft, and everyone else has to hang around while they try and find the right pressure. If it rains, they’ve no wet weather gear.

If it’s cold they ask if you have any spare gloves. Do not give them your spare gloves. You will never see them again. But at the same time, you kind of seem honor bound to help them out. Because if you don’t, you’ll spend the whole ride wondering if you should have done. You can’t win.

12 replies on “The 15 Types Of Cyclists We All Hate

  • Dave

    Very enjoyable. I only clearly saw myself in the “used to be really fit” but it was a bit in the fuzzy gray area on about four to five others.

    Reply
  • Doug

    SpandDexers!!!

    Same folks that are the Race on Benefit ride.

    If you are a team or ride like a team and take over the road and or trail, Fuck Off!!

    Those folks give more fodder for tin canners to aim at me while I commute and recreation ride.

    You general are not friendly, run the lights, prevent pedestrians from crossing, bully other riders and pretty much are the worst riders on the road, don’t believe me, hear yourself while in a tin can and near a group of them…. ASSHATS the lot of them.

    Reply
  • Brian

    Really enjoyed your article. Especially liked the tongue-in-cheek humor about the girl passing you or the person with the basket on his/her bike whizzing by. Good humor, obviously not appreciated by all (c’est la vie). I remember recently cranking up “Cardiac Hill” on Peachtree Road in Atlanta and a guy twice my age (58) passed me going uphill faster than I go downhill. I pulled over and cried.

    Caio!

    Reply
  • J Quinn

    You forgot the one that drives normal riders crazy….the “Road Snoot” these people will ignore everyone or be extremely condescending to anyone on a “Lesser” machine or will not even give you the friendly nod when passing . I’ve passed these people in the middle of nowhere, only to be ignored.
    I make damn sure they hear me.

    Reply
  • Richard

    I met a riding buddy over 40 years ago when his group of team-orange jerseys passed me on a covered bridge tour. I was riding leisurely with a friend and her mother but I was on my 3-speed Raleigh RSW-16 (16″x2″ tires – Raleigh’s answer to a Mouton). I heard a high pitched laugh as the orange club pack whizzed by. I excused myself from the ladies and caught up to the ‘team’. After introducing myself to the laugher, I returned to the ladies. We’ve been good friends ever since.

    Reply
  • RustedBiwheels

    “Cyclists who don’t look after their bikes.”

    Not wanting to be rude, but not really any of your business?

    The other ones I can at least understand, this one? Nope. Not your bike not your concern.
    Someone who cries because their bike gets a small scratch? Yeah, it’s a bit infantile so I get it, but if someone neglects their bike, then so be it?

    My bike is a rusted up PoS now, mostly because my city is WAY to hilly (one looong uphill struggle after a full day out of town really is not fun), I live too far north so over half the year it’s just miserable to cycle, and I am not deluded enough to fancy myself a Tour de France competitor.
    So banged and “care-worn” my bike became.

    If you’re looking at peoples banged up bikes and getting annoyed by it, your priorities are misplaced. It’s the owner’s bike to damage and ultimately lose.

    Reply

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